How thoughtful?!?!?

So I've felt for a while that my marriage isn't where it needs to be. We argue, we fight, we ignore each other, etc... seems like lately there are more bad times than good... actually its been this way for a while, a very long while.

There have been times when he's made me feel bad, small even but never like today...

After not talking for wks, he touches my shoulder and attempts to hand me a target giftcard (of course thats one of my favorite stores) saying "don't say I never gave you nothing" but I'm not crazy so I question it and he says "Nevermind" and walks away. Then it dawns on me... this "thoughtful" gift was no attempt to squash the battle or to make me feel good or even him being thoughtful... this was a muthafucking REGIFT. I am willing to bet my life that that giftcard was to him from his job. I'M PISSED but mostly HURT!!! HOW FUCKING INCONSIDERATE!

#AnotherreminderwhyIhatemylifesometimes

It is what it is

I can't stand my husband! At times I wish he would leave or just die or even just fall of the face of the Earth. I swear if I wouldn't have to face God's wrath (or go to jail) I would just kill him myself. It would be too much like right for him to leave... leaving my kids right where they are... pay child support and get the hell out of my life. After 30 years, this is probably one of the only regrets that I have... but its definitely a major one! In due time. Unfortunately because of some of the decisions I have made over the past few years, I can't just up and leave but in due time... in due time!

1 month in...

So... tomorrow marks 1 whole month of unemployment. Gotta say... it blows! There have been some good days and some bad days but Im learning to deal with it. Today I feel like I wanna just give up but this too shall pass. (I sure hope so anyway)

I am very excited though... Im looking forward to a fabulous 4 days with my best friend!!!! No kids, no whining, no responsibility... YESSSS!!! I totally heart mi familia but every now and again I just need a break from them. I get tired of being responsible and taking care of others... :-\

Monday Blues...

So... my bestie has recommended for some time now that I document my life. At times the things I go through daily are hilariously funny, entertaining to say the least, but other times... like today... its really tough!

Honestly, I haven't like my job or my boss for some time now and I knew this day would come (long overdue) but I really was not mentally prepared to hear that they had gotten rid of my position. 'You mean I don't have a job anymore?!?! Where is money supposed to come from?!?! How am I supposed to pay my bills?!?! (b/c the bill collectors certainly don't stop calling) How am I supposed to feed my kids?!? We're leaving for vacation on Thursday... couldn't you people wait?!?! What am I supposed to do now??!?!' are all the thoughts running through my mind as I patiently waited for the HR people to finish packing my stuff. Although I didn't break in their presence, I must admit that I certainly had that "sick" feeling in my stomach. Then I turned all those questions over to God... and I can't say that I've gotten an answer yet; plus, I still have that "sick" feeling in my stomach. I'm not sad about the situation but definitely worried about our finances but I can't seem to stop crying. I'm really really scared.

So, I brought God up for a reason, I know I'm supposed to have faith and be patient but I'm sooo confused. I've been unemployed before and it sucks. The uncertainty about tomorrow; the stress of not knowing; the hopeless feeling and then there's the process of actually looking for a job. I honestly cannot tell you how many applications I've filled out. I've been on countless intervies and the absolute worst part is the rejection. Its enough to make you question the absolute core of your being. I've been through it... and it ain't fun! So once I knew that it was inevitible, I prayed... I mean I prayed HARD! I begged God to not put me back in that hopeless, helpless situation and he said 'no' b/c here I stand again and I don't understand. I'm sad! I'm scared! I'm confused! I'm deflated! I'm tired! And I really don't believe that I can make it through that situation again. I'm praying for a miracle! I need it more than anything right now.

#Prayingforthesilverlining